Sheep Penis et al

A Weekend of Touring

“FORBIDDEN”

We went to The Forbidden Temple. My Chinese friend asked me if I was ready to leave yet and I said, “I want to go inside first.”
“You can’t. It’s forbidden.”
“Dang.”

Then we went to the Forbidden City. “I guess it’s time to go.” I said as we stood outside.
“Don’t you want to go inside?”
“Um..ok?”

I think the Chinese need to rethink their concept of “forbidden.”


KFC

My teacher was really excited to show us the first KFC in China. It was enthralling*
(* indicates sarcasm)

It was like an American KFC…except for one small detail: the toilets**
(**in China, toilet= hole in the ground)
I tried, but I just can’t pee under pressure. Not even in America. There was a handicap bathroom but it was closed. My Chinese friend, bless her heart, found them manager and told her something in Chinese. Probably that I was her American friend who has an extra chromosome and I don’t know how to pee. So the manager opened the bathroom for me. That is more embarrassing now as I think about it than it was then. I still haven’t peed standing up.


Then I went to Tiananmen Square, almost as awesome as KFC.


SHEEP PENIS

The best part of the day: Food Street. Chinese food vendors lined the street with some very….um….interesting things on the menu.

Star fish, sea horse, crickets, testicles, you know, kind of like what you would find at the OC fair.

I was offered sheep penis, but I turned it down. Too expensive. I settled for the snake and silk worms instead. Not bad, actually. The worms were like a warm potato chip.

I was amused at the thought that probably “sheep penis” is one of 5 phrases of English that these guys know. I bet they can say sheep penis in several languages actually, but can’t say “excuse me, where’s the bathroom.”

Sheep penis. That’s a useful one. I didn’t much like them yelling it at me- repeatedly.

I like it better when they said, “I love you lady, free strawberry for you.” I didn’t take that either though.


ESL WOES

1. A conversation between me and my Japanese friend (female)

“Jake, do you say, ‘Have a blast’ in English.
“Yea, why?”
“Because I used to hear that but I thought it was “have a breast.” And I thought, “I have, I have. Why you’re telling me that?”

2. In ESL class

Teacher: Please describe someone in the class.

Student (Out loud to the class):

“She is not very beautiful. She is short and chubby. She is flexible but lazy. She has thin lips which she thinks are sexy, but I don’t think so. She has double-fold eyelids but only when she sleeps. When she is awake she has single fold eyelids. So I think she should look for a boyfriend when she sleeps. Please guess who it is.”

And everyone in the class guessed correctly.


THE END