A Weekend of Touring
“FORBIDDEN”
We went to The Forbidden Temple. My Chinese friend asked me if I was ready to leave yet and I said, “I want to go inside first.”
“You can’t. It’s forbidden.”
“Dang.”
Then we went to the Forbidden City. “I guess it’s time to go.” I said as we stood outside.
“Don’t you want to go inside?”
“Um..ok?”
I think the Chinese need to rethink their concept of “forbidden.”
KFC
My teacher was really excited to show us the first KFC in China. It was enthralling*
(* indicates sarcasm)
It was like an American KFC…except for one small detail: the toilets**
(**in China, toilet= hole in the ground)
I tried, but I just can’t pee under pressure. Not even in America. There was a handicap bathroom but it was closed. My Chinese friend, bless her heart, found them manager and told her something in Chinese. Probably that I was her American friend who has an extra chromosome and I don’t know how to pee. So the manager opened the bathroom for me. That is more embarrassing now as I think about it than it was then. I still haven’t peed standing up.
Then I went to Tiananmen Square, almost as awesome as KFC.
SHEEP PENIS
The best part of the day: Food Street. Chinese food vendors lined the street with some very….um….interesting things on the menu.
Star fish, sea horse, crickets, testicles, you know, kind of like what you would find at the OC fair.
I was offered sheep penis, but I turned it down. Too expensive. I settled for the snake and silk worms instead. Not bad, actually. The worms were like a warm potato chip.
I was amused at the thought that probably “sheep penis” is one of 5 phrases of English that these guys know. I bet they can say sheep penis in several languages actually, but can’t say “excuse me, where’s the bathroom.”
Sheep penis. That’s a useful one. I didn’t much like them yelling it at me- repeatedly.
I like it better when they said, “I love you lady, free strawberry for you.” I didn’t take that either though.
ESL WOES
1. A conversation between me and my Japanese friend (female)
“Jake, do you say, ‘Have a blast’ in English.
“Yea, why?”
“Because I used to hear that but I thought it was “have a breast.” And I thought, “I have, I have. Why you’re telling me that?”
2. In ESL class
Teacher: Please describe someone in the class.
Student (Out loud to the class):
“She is not very beautiful. She is short and chubby. She is flexible but lazy. She has thin lips which she thinks are sexy, but I don’t think so. She has double-fold eyelids but only when she sleeps. When she is awake she has single fold eyelids. So I think she should look for a boyfriend when she sleeps. Please guess who it is.”
And everyone in the class guessed correctly.
THE END
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Pictures
Since this is now Jake, I don't know how to add pictures as nicely to my blog as Lisa did. You can also see pictures on my facebook. Nevermind. It's too much work. You'll have to look at my facebook.
NEXT Day...I lost track
Thursday May 28th
We went to the Great Wall and I climbed more stairs than I have ever climbed in my life. There was no rhyme or reason to the stairs. Whatever size the Chinese builders had decided that day was the size of the step. In some places it was so steep it was nearly vertical.
“Wow it’s so steep.” –Ayumi
“Yea, it’s almost like a wall.” –Jake ← Quote of the day…um I think it is a wall.
I displayed my awesome energy by being the first one up, however I grandma-ed the whole way down and everyone was waiting for me. I found I had to keep walking because if I stopped my legs would start shaking convulsively. At the end, there is a sign which says (in Chinese, and of course I am almost fully literate now) “Unless you have climbed The Great Wall, you are not a real man.” Well, thank goodness this day has finally come. I will now return to the USofA a real man. I know all the ladies will be very happy. But I still haven’t peed standing up as the Chinese do (male and female)…maybe tomorrow.
At one point I was walking along a road with little shops and red Chinese lanterns and other Chinese decorations, while Chinese music played in the background and I found myself thinking, “wow this almost feels like China.” I had to stop and remind myself that it is China.
MORE TRANSLATION WOES
I also learned how to say: “I would like to sleep right now.” So my Korean friend told me I should say this to the guy at the front desk in the lobby. I don’t know why I listened to her. He looked at me funny and just as I said this, my Taiwanese friends came out and they said, “Jake, you really shouldn’t say that because it’s like an invitation.”
So basically I asked a Chinese guy to sleep with me. My Chinese is getting really good. I am learning so much. I’m making Mom and Dad proud.
We went to the Great Wall and I climbed more stairs than I have ever climbed in my life. There was no rhyme or reason to the stairs. Whatever size the Chinese builders had decided that day was the size of the step. In some places it was so steep it was nearly vertical.
“Wow it’s so steep.” –Ayumi
“Yea, it’s almost like a wall.” –Jake ← Quote of the day…um I think it is a wall.
I displayed my awesome energy by being the first one up, however I grandma-ed the whole way down and everyone was waiting for me. I found I had to keep walking because if I stopped my legs would start shaking convulsively. At the end, there is a sign which says (in Chinese, and of course I am almost fully literate now) “Unless you have climbed The Great Wall, you are not a real man.” Well, thank goodness this day has finally come. I will now return to the USofA a real man. I know all the ladies will be very happy. But I still haven’t peed standing up as the Chinese do (male and female)…maybe tomorrow.
At one point I was walking along a road with little shops and red Chinese lanterns and other Chinese decorations, while Chinese music played in the background and I found myself thinking, “wow this almost feels like China.” I had to stop and remind myself that it is China.
MORE TRANSLATION WOES
I also learned how to say: “I would like to sleep right now.” So my Korean friend told me I should say this to the guy at the front desk in the lobby. I don’t know why I listened to her. He looked at me funny and just as I said this, my Taiwanese friends came out and they said, “Jake, you really shouldn’t say that because it’s like an invitation.”
So basically I asked a Chinese guy to sleep with me. My Chinese is getting really good. I am learning so much. I’m making Mom and Dad proud.
DAY 4
Wednesday May 27th
There is something completely wonderful about walking the streets of a foreign country alone- especially early in the morning. Why is it that all foreign cities have a similar smell? It’s a combination of smoke, cabbage and a general musty smell.
I discovered a secret Chinese stone garden. This seems to be a popular spot for the youth of the day. They come here to recite English out-loud. It is entertaining. When they don’t know word they repeat it 8 times and sound like a broken record. I feel like I have a secret power because I can speak English and they can’t!
After finishing my Chinese lesson for the day I ran into my teacher. We had a conversation in Chinese.
“Hello teacher.”
“Hello Jake”
“What would you like to do right now?”
“I would like to drink water.”
“I also would like to drink water, teacher. I am thirsty. Good-bye”
There is something completely wonderful about walking the streets of a foreign country alone- especially early in the morning. Why is it that all foreign cities have a similar smell? It’s a combination of smoke, cabbage and a general musty smell.
I discovered a secret Chinese stone garden. This seems to be a popular spot for the youth of the day. They come here to recite English out-loud. It is entertaining. When they don’t know word they repeat it 8 times and sound like a broken record. I feel like I have a secret power because I can speak English and they can’t!
After finishing my Chinese lesson for the day I ran into my teacher. We had a conversation in Chinese.
“Hello teacher.”
“Hello Jake”
“What would you like to do right now?”
“I would like to drink water.”
“I also would like to drink water, teacher. I am thirsty. Good-bye”
JUST TO CLARIFY PART II
This is Jake now. Actually I'm in the USofA but I wrote these in real time. Now I have access to blogs, Youtube and everything else that defines freedom.
DAY 3
Tuesday May 26, 2009
LOST IN TRANSLATION
My roommate turned on the Basketball game this morning. One of the International students came in and read the Chinese characters and informed us that it said “The Lake people vs. The Gold Diggers.”
SWIMMING
I took my tiny Taiwanese friend with me to translate for the first time entering the pool. She is the tiniest person I have ever seen yet she always asks me why I am so skinny. Her name is Genie. And true to her name, she got me what I wanted. After a lot of confusing language that I did not understand I made it to the pool deck. Then some Chinese guys at a desk, on the deck started talking to me. They appeared to be giving me some sort of directions and telling me I couldn’t do something. “You can’t do that” is pretty easy to figure out in any language. They pointed to some things and said more stuff. I went to get the girl from Israel that I met in the locker room. She told me that if you want to swim in the deep end you have to have a special pass or prove to them that you can swim 100 meters without stopping. 100 meters? I’ll show your mom 100 meters! (that’s exactly what I said in Chinese) So then I showed them.
Soon after a middle aged Chinese man who was also swimming appeared to be telling me I was a good swimmer. Damn right. I just showed you 50 meters butterfly nonstop. He gave me a thumbs-up and then asked me in Chinese if I was American and I understood him! He spoke some English and I showed off my 4 phrases of Chinese. He was amused. All the Chinese seem to think I am comical, either that or crazy.
Much to my dismay the pool was not heated and I was shivering and my new Chinese friend, who I have named ‘Paco’ was laughing at me because I was cold. So I got out and then remembered what my teacher said about the Chinese showers. Well, when in Rome….do as the Chinese do. So I did. It was a liberating experience.
My shoulders are pretty sore today. It’s either from swimming or shrugging so much. I think they understand shrugging pretty well.
LOST IN TRANSLATION II (and the highlight of my day)
My friend went to the gym and got a personal trainer/masseuse. He massaged her but 3 times. His American name: LOUIS VUITTON.
LOST IN TRANSLATION
My roommate turned on the Basketball game this morning. One of the International students came in and read the Chinese characters and informed us that it said “The Lake people vs. The Gold Diggers.”
SWIMMING
I took my tiny Taiwanese friend with me to translate for the first time entering the pool. She is the tiniest person I have ever seen yet she always asks me why I am so skinny. Her name is Genie. And true to her name, she got me what I wanted. After a lot of confusing language that I did not understand I made it to the pool deck. Then some Chinese guys at a desk, on the deck started talking to me. They appeared to be giving me some sort of directions and telling me I couldn’t do something. “You can’t do that” is pretty easy to figure out in any language. They pointed to some things and said more stuff. I went to get the girl from Israel that I met in the locker room. She told me that if you want to swim in the deep end you have to have a special pass or prove to them that you can swim 100 meters without stopping. 100 meters? I’ll show your mom 100 meters! (that’s exactly what I said in Chinese) So then I showed them.
Soon after a middle aged Chinese man who was also swimming appeared to be telling me I was a good swimmer. Damn right. I just showed you 50 meters butterfly nonstop. He gave me a thumbs-up and then asked me in Chinese if I was American and I understood him! He spoke some English and I showed off my 4 phrases of Chinese. He was amused. All the Chinese seem to think I am comical, either that or crazy.
Much to my dismay the pool was not heated and I was shivering and my new Chinese friend, who I have named ‘Paco’ was laughing at me because I was cold. So I got out and then remembered what my teacher said about the Chinese showers. Well, when in Rome….do as the Chinese do. So I did. It was a liberating experience.
My shoulders are pretty sore today. It’s either from swimming or shrugging so much. I think they understand shrugging pretty well.
LOST IN TRANSLATION II (and the highlight of my day)
My friend went to the gym and got a personal trainer/masseuse. He massaged her but 3 times. His American name: LOUIS VUITTON.
DAY 2
May 25, 2009
Woke up at 5:00 am and after a nice shower-crap made my way down to the convenient store, which it turns out is not so convenient. My roommate and I bought some Korean Corn Flakes and Jolly Pops (Korean cereal). ‘How does one eat cereal with chop sticks?’ You might wonder. Well, I don’t know. What do they do? Stab their Cheerio’s through the Cheerio hole with the chop-stick? We actually found some plastic spoons that were probably created for elves (not the Tolkien kind, the Santa kind). They were about 2.5 inches long and the scooper part was the size of a penny. How does one eat cereal in China? Very slowly. The miniature spoons were ok considering the fact that we were eating out of a 2 inch Dixie cup. It all evened out.
We went to the bank where. I told them I didn’t speak Mandarin and then they gave me money.
LUNCH
We got our cafeteria passes today and went for lunch at 11:45 which is pretty much exactly when every single Chinese student at our school eats lunch too. They were brutal. They stacked themselves in line like a fat woman’s boobs bulging out of her undersized bra. It was stressful. And when they moved in line, it was like getting caught in a rip tide. There was no fighting it. I finally made it to my seat, though I didn’t really get the food I wanted. I’m not sure what I got but it was chewy.
Some Americans sat at the table beside us and- I know we really look Chinese, especially me with my dark hair- but they didn’t realize we spoke English.
“So what are your symptoms?”
“Well my urine is kind of weird and…oh shit they speak English”
“Oh well, they don’t care they’ve heard it all before”
We’ve really learned how to blend-in in the last day. I’m sure I look Chinese.
CLASS
We actually had to go to class for 3 hours. Who wants to go to school when you’re studying abroad? Seriously.
DINNER
I had Chinese Japanese food. Like their plastic spoons, the portion was miniature. To avoid utensil culture shock, Eun-Young nabbed some plastic forks and spoons. However we had a real scare when we got stopped by the guard at the gate to our dorm. He put up his hand and would not let us enter. So I said my line, “I do not understand the words you are speaking. I don’t speak the language of the common people.” The paradox of this is, that when I say this in Chinese, they assume I speak fluent Chinese and keep talking. He wouldn’t let us pass. We really thought we were busted for taking those forks. Finally we realized he wanted to see our keys. We spent about 5 minutes “talking” with him. I think he is our friend now.
THE BATH HOUSE
I saw The Bath House on the map and got really excited because I might have a chance to pamper myself in a Chinese Spa. It turns out that most of the dorms here don’t have private shower-crappers. People take public showers here. That’s just the way of life for the Chinese.
Woke up at 5:00 am and after a nice shower-crap made my way down to the convenient store, which it turns out is not so convenient. My roommate and I bought some Korean Corn Flakes and Jolly Pops (Korean cereal). ‘How does one eat cereal with chop sticks?’ You might wonder. Well, I don’t know. What do they do? Stab their Cheerio’s through the Cheerio hole with the chop-stick? We actually found some plastic spoons that were probably created for elves (not the Tolkien kind, the Santa kind). They were about 2.5 inches long and the scooper part was the size of a penny. How does one eat cereal in China? Very slowly. The miniature spoons were ok considering the fact that we were eating out of a 2 inch Dixie cup. It all evened out.
We went to the bank where. I told them I didn’t speak Mandarin and then they gave me money.
LUNCH
We got our cafeteria passes today and went for lunch at 11:45 which is pretty much exactly when every single Chinese student at our school eats lunch too. They were brutal. They stacked themselves in line like a fat woman’s boobs bulging out of her undersized bra. It was stressful. And when they moved in line, it was like getting caught in a rip tide. There was no fighting it. I finally made it to my seat, though I didn’t really get the food I wanted. I’m not sure what I got but it was chewy.
Some Americans sat at the table beside us and- I know we really look Chinese, especially me with my dark hair- but they didn’t realize we spoke English.
“So what are your symptoms?”
“Well my urine is kind of weird and…oh shit they speak English”
“Oh well, they don’t care they’ve heard it all before”
We’ve really learned how to blend-in in the last day. I’m sure I look Chinese.
CLASS
We actually had to go to class for 3 hours. Who wants to go to school when you’re studying abroad? Seriously.
DINNER
I had Chinese Japanese food. Like their plastic spoons, the portion was miniature. To avoid utensil culture shock, Eun-Young nabbed some plastic forks and spoons. However we had a real scare when we got stopped by the guard at the gate to our dorm. He put up his hand and would not let us enter. So I said my line, “I do not understand the words you are speaking. I don’t speak the language of the common people.” The paradox of this is, that when I say this in Chinese, they assume I speak fluent Chinese and keep talking. He wouldn’t let us pass. We really thought we were busted for taking those forks. Finally we realized he wanted to see our keys. We spent about 5 minutes “talking” with him. I think he is our friend now.
THE BATH HOUSE
I saw The Bath House on the map and got really excited because I might have a chance to pamper myself in a Chinese Spa. It turns out that most of the dorms here don’t have private shower-crappers. People take public showers here. That’s just the way of life for the Chinese.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Today...
Today I am going to go to the Great wall and Tienamen Square. Pics and story to follow!
Side note: Ok so this is really funny. My roommate went to the gym and got a personal trainer. His American name: Louis Vuitton. Haha!
Just to Clarify
This is Jake's blog. For some reason she can't start a blog in China. (Oh, those Chinese...)
So she asked me (Lisa) to post a blog for her. I am just her BM (Blog Manager, just to clarify).
So please comment on Jake's blog!!
So she asked me (Lisa) to post a blog for her. I am just her BM (Blog Manager, just to clarify).
So please comment on Jake's blog!!
CHINA!
17 ½ hours after we left LAX we landed in Beijing. Saturday May 23rd disappeared and I woke up in the future and 1 year older.
PLANE RIDE
I realize that my indecision spawns from mediocrity. But in the face of diversion, choices become clear. American style beef-steak or Bi-bim-bab? Easy. For breakfast, would you like omelet or spicy octopus? No contest. I didn’t come to Asia to eat American food. Maybe it’s more of the fact that I know my reasons, my purpose, if you will. We stopped in Seoul and played Korean dress-up. Awesome, very spy. And I saw someone I knew in the Korean airport!
Slowly we found the rest of our classmates. The Chinese speakers of course arrived last. Once again I found myself to be the best of the bad-Chinese speakers since all I could say was ‘I don’t speak Chinese, I don’t understand the words you are saying, do you speak English?’ Dr. Liang came. I’ve never been so happy to see her in my life.
I wouldn’t call it a bathroom….it’s more of a shower-room because that’s what it is. A giant shower with a toilet and a sink with no separations whatsoever. Very convenient if you want to take crap while you wash yourself. It’s quite economical. The Chinese think of everything. It’s more hygienic than my bathroom/kitchen I had in Paris.
I use my Chinese every chance I get. I wanted a water bottle at dinner so I went to the young man at the counter. Here is the translation of our dialogue:
“Can you speak the English?”
“No. No, I can’t” ( I understood his response. Very exciting)
“Oh. I cannot speak the common language of the people of China.” (Laughter-from him, not me.) “But, I would like to drink…..um…shgxoierbasfne” (well that’s what it sounded like to him. )
“Water.” He corrects me.
“Water.” (hands me water) “enoaewiubviu owienfwoeuhwe”
“I do not understand the words you are saying.”
He laughs and shows me some numbers on a calculator. Money is the same in any language.
PLANE RIDE
I realize that my indecision spawns from mediocrity. But in the face of diversion, choices become clear. American style beef-steak or Bi-bim-bab? Easy. For breakfast, would you like omelet or spicy octopus? No contest. I didn’t come to Asia to eat American food. Maybe it’s more of the fact that I know my reasons, my purpose, if you will. We stopped in Seoul and played Korean dress-up. Awesome, very spy. And I saw someone I knew in the Korean airport!
I made some Chinese friends on the second flight who spoke English. Of course I practiced my Chinese on them. The wife even took off her swine flu mask to teach me how to say ‘it’s my birthday’ in Chinese. That was sweet of her. She risked her life for me. I also told the flight attendant in Korean that it was my birthday and she brought me a lovely bouquet of pens and a 3-D puzzle of Lightning McQueen and a birthday card. Not quite first class, but it will do. After arriving in Beijing, we waited for about an hour while John was quarantined by people who specialize in finding swine flu in westerners but speak no English. This was after the masked Asians pointed a lavender gun at our heads to take our temperature on the plane. This was before the “swine flu detective dogs” sniffed our bags. It was a beagle. Very fierce and sleuth-like.
Slowly we found the rest of our classmates. The Chinese speakers of course arrived last. Once again I found myself to be the best of the bad-Chinese speakers since all I could say was ‘I don’t speak Chinese, I don’t understand the words you are saying, do you speak English?’ Dr. Liang came. I’ve never been so happy to see her in my life.The ride to the school was enthralling. We were very excited to see IKEA, Chinese trees and birds, which look much the same as American ones, and also a car reversing on the freeway…oh you Chinese!
BATHROOMS
BATHROOMS
I wouldn’t call it a bathroom….it’s more of a shower-room because that’s what it is. A giant shower with a toilet and a sink with no separations whatsoever. Very convenient if you want to take crap while you wash yourself. It’s quite economical. The Chinese think of everything. It’s more hygienic than my bathroom/kitchen I had in Paris.
Certainly better than what I found when I walked into the airport bathroom. Per usual, I had to go number 2 but when I went into the stall it was a hole in the ground. It was a very nice hole in the ground, like a toilet but just on the ground, a urinal I guess. I was not about to drop a deuce there though. I also did not want to offend the bathroom attendant by shirking her facilities so I pretended to go and then left.
SPEAKING CHINESE
SPEAKING CHINESE
I use my Chinese every chance I get. I wanted a water bottle at dinner so I went to the young man at the counter. Here is the translation of our dialogue:
“Can you speak the English?”
“No. No, I can’t” ( I understood his response. Very exciting)
“Oh. I cannot speak the common language of the people of China.” (Laughter-from him, not me.) “But, I would like to drink…..um…shgxoierbasfne” (well that’s what it sounded like to him. )
“Water.” He corrects me.
“Water.” (hands me water) “enoaewiubviu owienfwoeuhwe”
“I do not understand the words you are saying.”
He laughs and shows me some numbers on a calculator. Money is the same in any language.
And I had a conversation in Chinese. Thank you Pimsleur Language learning.
By the way everything is CHEAP here. Our group of 15 each ordered a meal to share with everyone. The table was basically a giant lazy-Susan. It was 238 Yuan. That’s $40 to feed 15 people.
By the way everything is CHEAP here. Our group of 15 each ordered a meal to share with everyone. The table was basically a giant lazy-Susan. It was 238 Yuan. That’s $40 to feed 15 people.
I basically ate the spiciest thing I have ever eaten in my life last night. I think it must have had something that is also used for anesthetic or poison because I couldn’t feel my mouth for a good 10 minutes. It was peppers with a little bit of chicken…a very little bit…probably like chicken dust and that was is. The girl next to me (Carol, Taiwanese) at some and I asked her if it was spicy and she said a little bit. Anyone in their right mind would not have done as I did, but I think the lack of sleep impaired my judgment, honestly. I took a huge bite of this concoction. It was only as I was chewing that I looked at Carol and realized she was picking out all the peppers and eating only the molecules of chicken. It was too late. I should have spit it out. Again, I was too tired to think of this solution.
My classmates asked me if it was really that bad. Yea, it was. So they tried it, mind you, they picked out the peppers and spit out the chicken and they still thought that it was the spiciest thing they’d ever tried. It even sent my Chinese teacher fleeing to the bathroom. I’m not joking.
I’m thinking that I will need to amend my food motto (I’ll try anything once as long as it’s not human or poop). In the market yesterday, where they have meat displayed like produce, they had whole baby pigs. While I’m sure they are delicious, that is just sad. I would try the chicken feet though. On the way back from the market I learned to say water, the correct way and I am thirsty. I bought a big jug of water. And practiced saying this to all the Chinese that I met.
I’m thinking that I will need to amend my food motto (I’ll try anything once as long as it’s not human or poop). In the market yesterday, where they have meat displayed like produce, they had whole baby pigs. While I’m sure they are delicious, that is just sad. I would try the chicken feet though. On the way back from the market I learned to say water, the correct way and I am thirsty. I bought a big jug of water. And practiced saying this to all the Chinese that I met.
On the escalator: “Water!” They smiled and laughed at me.
In the elevator: “I am thirsty! I would like to drink some water!” And I pointed at my water.
In the elevator: “I am thirsty! I would like to drink some water!” And I pointed at my water.
She thought I was strange. But I tried to imagine this from their perspective and I imagine anyone who would get that excited about water would scare me too.
I am completely embracing my role as “crazy foreigner.”
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